its all in my head

1.--If your doctor said you were pregnant: I'd believe her.

2. --Do you trust all of your friends? Meh, not really. I think most people can't keep secrets.


3. --Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love? If my son was going too, sure.

4. --Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? When things get really bad, I think this way. Otherwise, I think there are no accidents or fate.


5. --Name two things you would NOT tolerate in a relationship: I tolerate all sorts of things in many kinds of relationships. But if I have to answer, I guess chronic dishonesty and physical abuse.

6. --Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor? Kind of random, but Nicole Quigley is one of the warmest people I know. I'd like her as a doctor.

7. --When was the last time you snuck out? Haha, is this survey meant for highschoolers? Grade 9?


8. --Are you afraid of falling in love? Not really.

9. --Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times? Yeah.

10. --Would you stop talking to your friends because you hooked up with a new guy/girl? Not completely.

11. --When was the last time you flew in a plane? Coming back from San Francisco on June 24th.

12. --What was the last text message you sent? A goodnight msg.

14. --Fill in the blank. Uh what blank?

15. What are your goals in life? Graduate from SFU, raise Jake well, self-actualize?

16.What can you tell about a person by kissing them? If they're timid or not.

17. When you get married, how would you envision your dream wedding? How about asking IF for starters. Uh, If I get married, I guess a smallish thing with everyone I love surrounding me. Dim lighting, candles, flowers, guitar music.

18.If you could say just one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be? Hard question. Um, maybe "I can't believe I only get to say one thing for the rest of my life!" And then I'd just write everything else on paper.


19. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended period of time, name some people you would call? Mom, Dad, Stacy, Jake and then the non-family members.

20. How many kids do you want to have? In addition to the one I have, I duno, none or 2.


21.Would you make a good parent? I hope so.

22. Where was your profile pic taken? On my living room couch.

23. What is your middle name? Dawne.

24.Honestly, does your crush like you back? Which one? And probably not.

27.What's on your mind right now? How hot my legs are from this laptop. And how messy my room is.

28. Are you musical? Ive got rhythm.

29.If you could go back in time and change something, I would change: all the times i screwed people over.

30. Shoe size: 8.5

31. What are you wearing right now? Black shorts, black tanktop.

32. Righty or lefty: R

33. Can you make a dollar in change right now: Maybe, but I dont want to im lazy.

34. Best place to go for a date? A cozy restaurant then for a walk. Or Playland.

35. Favorite jeans: My 1921's.

36. Favourite song at the moment: "Have a little Faith" John Hyatt?

37. Panties or Thongs?: Thongs.

38. Favorite month: June

39. Favorite juice: Lemonade

40. Have you had the chicken pox? I dont remember.

41. Have you had a sore throat? Is there seriously someone out there who might answer no to this?! What??

42. Have you had plastic surgery?: Uh, no?


43. Who knows you the best?: Gosh I dont know anymore. My mom probably, but I dont think she gets me.

44. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?: Neither.

45. Do you get along with your family?: Sometimes, mostly, yes.

46. Ever been in a fight with your pet?: I dont have one.

47. Been to Mexico?: Yes.

48. Did you talk to someone you like today?: Yep.

49. Did you buy something today?: A coffee and a bowl of vegan mushroom soup.

50. Did you get sick today?: No.

51. Did you talk to an ex today?: No.

52. Do you miss someone today?: I duno.

53. Did you get in a fight with someone today?: No.


55. Last person to sleep in your bed?: Me and big bear.


56. Last person to see you cry?: Mom and Jake


57. Who made you cry? No one in particular. I was upset for my son.


58. What was the last TV show you watched?: Entourage.

59. Ever been told you look like a celebrity?: Most recently, Amy Smart, Hilary Duff, Reese Witherspoon.

60. What are your plans for the weekend?: Cleaning, catching up on homework, lunch with friends.

me and sugar have a history...
i would bike myself to the Circle K, daily, to get my fix. fundips, koala springs, popeye cigarettes, skittles, smarties, gummy worms, 5cent candy, dinosour eggs, bubblegumtape, macintosh toffee.
i would also fill 1/2 a small juice glass with Goodhost icetea mix and eat it raw. i learned this trick from courtney my childhood and well, longdistance, but still current bestfriend. i wouldn't really call it eating the icetea though. it was more of a disolving technique that required a small spoon and a tongue. i would scoop up a bit of the icetea crystals onto my spoon, put the spoon in my mouth and press my tongue against the metal. the crystals would gently dissolve on my tongue, delicious and smooth. courtney and i would play mario kart or joe and mac on super nintendo and have our little cups sitting next to us. we were so good at eating the icetea and playing video games, neither were interuppted as we multitasked. when i remember courtney's bedroom, i can distinctly picture the empty glasses with spoons in them sitting on her night side table or on the floor.
the icetea addiction led me down another sugary path, this one, i did alone...
you see, my mom didn't "buy the good stuff" when she went grocery shopping. courtneys house had fudgesicles, the icetea, carbonated beverages, brownie-in-a-box mixes...
but what we did have at house, was icing sugar.
i felt extremely guilty about eating the whitestuff! i would put a few heaping spoonfuls into a bowl, grab a spoon and sit in my bed dissolving the powder in my mouth. i didn't even tell courtney.
sometimes, if i were in my room with my bowl of sugar, and in the meantime my parents came home, i wouldnt want to bring out my dirty dishes (evidence) into the kitchen. so, i would tuck the utensils under my bed.
i'll never forget the day my dad sternly called for me to sit down at the kitchen table for a talk...
we were sitting across from eachother, i could tell this was a big one.
i scanned my brain for the recent shennanigans i may have pulled at school...lies i may have told...
instead of just telling me what i was in shit for, he actually asks, "Is there anything you want to share with me?"
aw fuck. I hated that question! i always ended up ratting myself out for things they hadn't even known about.
"Uh, well, I used the bread knife to cut my sandwhich this morning, without a cutting board?"
ya, brutal, i got in shit for that weekly!
finally, my dad addresses ths issue. "we found a bowl with crushed white powder residue under your bed..."
i bet my dad was totally thinking, BUSTED!!!!
Oh my god, did my parents actually think i was doing dope in grade 5?!
My dad proceeds, "we've been noticing some pill bottles are going missing. whats, going, on???"
i think my face went through a multiplicity of emotions at a fast rate: disbelief, shock, confusion, amusement, embarassment, relief...
so i tell my dad i have been secretly eating icing sugar and i start to laugh a little.
i don't remember the rest of discussion, except i do remember the disappointed, disgusted look from my parents when they realized i was a sugar junkie!

highschools kind of blur in terms of my diet.
i did collect skittles packages for a couple grades. i actually taped the wrappers to my bedroom walls. it was kind of fun, kind of cool for grade 9. friends at school would give me their wrappers to add to my collection.
my little cousin from the island came to visit us that year, he's like 6 or 7 at this time. well, he had seen my room before and knew i collected the colourful wrappers.
so he shows up with his little pint sized backpack and pulls out a handful of.....garbage. he had snickers wrappers, a juice label and gum wrappers scrumpled up in his little hand, offering them to me, the garbage collector.

so here i am now. just recently read up on refined sugar and how it is poison for the body. before i read that, i was putting 2 sugars in my coffee a day. i wouldn't say i had a problem, but i was definitely ingesting more than i needed to be. i switched to splenda, which isn't that bad! kind of sickinly sweet if you use too much - but i use 1 of those packets in my coffee and im satisfied. i also drink diet coke if for some reason i decide to get a pop somewhere. these changes probably aren't going to be like a lightswitch effect in improving my health, but its a start. i wonder if my childhood sugar habits caused me any damage? how could you tell if it did?

tell me your sugar stories!

don't forget mother's day sunday the 13th!

Jake got plowed over by a kid on a bike today.
I am a few strides behind him as he's crossing the running track at Mahon park. There are two toddlers on the other side of the track which is where he was going to. All is fine and life is going by at a normal speed.
I see this kid to the left of the track, he's maybe nine or ten, 'rounding the bend of the track. He wasn't going fast-fast, but he was you know, biking. There is a considerable amount of distance between Jake and this kid, but I do kind of pick up my pace and loudly yell to Jake to watch for the bike. I think in my head: well Jake's fucking barely two, even if he did notice the bike, he wouldn't know what to do or even what I meant. It was more of a vocalization to that other kid to watch for my son. So, I assume this biker is going to steer away from Jake. There is tons of room on each side but as the kid kept approaching, I realize he is going to fucking run him over, dead-on! I watch as the kid doesn't steer around him.
CRASH!!!!!!
It looked terrrrible!
The bike, the boy, crashes hard into Jake and I don't know what part of what hits him, but he is pounded into the ground. The biker falls off his bike, he has a helmet on and lays there on the dirt. It all happened so fast. I ran the few paces it took to get to him. I had no idea what his face was going to look like, I couldnt even tell what might be hurt the most. Jake was screaming and the older kid continued to lay on the ground nearby holding his legs, but really, watching us. Jake's face was scrunched into a hurt, sad mess. Red, wrinkled, eyes filled with tears and mouth full of blood. I could see his teeth had went through both his upper and lower lips, they were raw and mangled.
I didn't know what to do. I felt flustered because I was diaperbagless and far from the truck. I held onto him trying to comfort him but the blood was getting everywhere. Other parents from the park rushed to our side and offered comfort, a paper towel and a cup of water. Some saw it happen, some were asking what happened. I tried hard to describe the scene with as little accusation as possible, but it was difficult.
I kept looking over at the kid on the ground, I asked him if he was okay and he was. I think he was in shock like the rest of us, I also thought he was a careless little fuck.

When I first picked up Jake, I had this urge to just yell at the other kid. I wanted to point out the obvious fact that the kid he plowed over was a baby and he should have been more careful. I mostly wanted to understand why he didn't steer out of the way!? I know im kind of a suspicious person, so maybe i'm wrong, but I did wonder and still do, if the biker kind of wanted to nip Jake a little. Not run him over, but you know, play a little game of chicken. Maybe he had never really hurt someone on a bike before, didn't think it would happen and BOOM it happens. Jake doesn't look like a diaper wearing, round, little tater tot anymore. He is really tall for his age, mature looking, big headed and well, big for his age. Maybe he thought he could breeze past him like some pro or maybe he just wasn't focused. Still, if you could have seen the distance, the space around Jake you would too wonder what the hell went wrong. Total miscalculation on his part? Careless? Day-dreaming? Violent-angry-little-problem child?

When the biker's parents rushed over to the scene of the crime, I could hear them comforting him and asking him sort of confused-like, "what happened?". I heard the kid say, "he just went infront of me" in a whiny, tattle-tale kind of way. You know, maybe i'm pulling an Alec Baldwin here, but, WHATEVER KID, don't blame my 2 year old for being on the track! You had PLENTY of room and time to make an informed decision. You are on the BIKE on the RUNNING track, therefore it is your responsibility to watch out for things in your path. The father came over to us as I was cleaning up the blood and he was all "oh my god...oh wow...you should go to the bathroom and wash him up." Then he asks, "how old is he"? Two, I tell him and his response, "oh my god...". It was kind of a weird time to ask me that, cuz what, if he was four, would you feel less bad? If he was three or five would you blame him and then your child is off the hook? Did he just want all the facts and info so his story-telling later on could be more colorful?

Fuck accidents do happen...but yeah, that was really hard to witness.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x11yc7_robot-libido


(someone teach me how to do cuts, im too tierd to read. im not too tierd to watch this robot though)

I'm going to Lily Allen on the 27th at the Commodore and I'm reeeeallllly excited.
My first encounter with her was when I stumbled across a video on the Vice website after hours of perusing the dos and donts. There was some video still of her and I thought she was really cute so I clicked play. The crowd, ambiance, everything seemed so unreal in that clip - and she was rapping, maybe mockrapping or something but it was awesome! Then, I get the CD off Itunes and love it. Then, I hear she's coming to the Commodore! I didnt know anyone else who liked her or talked about her at least but knew I better get tickets anyway and i'd force someone to come with. Luckily, a friend discovered her too via perez hilton and we're going. Its a Tuesday night show which will be a nice way to break up the week. And to think I almost got talked into buying tickets to see a U2 coverband at the Commodore on the 31st. No offense to my friends who are going and like that stuff, this is just a way better event for me.
Anyway, thnx for that vice magazine for the fact that it led me to Lily and you know, had some good fiction in it.

http://www.jamescmccroskey.com/measures/compulsive_communication.htm
















Almost one.

in this ws class we're reading 17th century letters from various women. mary wollstonecraft's letters to gilbert imlay are particularty interesting, but due to the very personal nature, im feeling sort of intrusive. she was pretty radical for the time, rarely did women get published but she wrote the vindication of the rights of women in six weeks and as for the personal letters, well they were only recently published in 2003. her expressions about love for this man (who left her for someone else) and love for her child and love in general are heart wrenching and beautiful. i believe her daughter is mary shelley who wrote frankenstein (not the daughter described below though). this letter was my favourite, but its hard to choose favourites really. i know i just said i felt i was intruding on her life, but something so real and personal is hard to ignore and i wanted to have it here and accessible and share it.

i felt this way with the virginia woolf letters too. was she staring down on me furious as i rifled through the pages of her journals, published in other author's novels? i like to imagine what it would be like if there were no e-mail, blogs, telephone and other forms of cmn, and someone found my old bag of notes!? i'd like to read that collection all put together! wait, am i conceited being intrigued by my own stories or is it intriguing the fact that someone else would find them when im gone, collect them and then tell a story about what they find? ya, i think thats it. i guess i would like to come back and see how they framed my love letters, my diary and all. 'cept, maybe in a few centuries that way jake won't have to go through that. what am i saying...im acting like my diary and letters are publishing worthy! here i am talking about wollstonecraft and woolf and then throwing my stuff in the mix! Arrrg, im embarrassed, but i wasnt meaning it like that. I just meant, here are interpretations of their lives and their letters...what would that be like for me. i wonder if my declarations of love and pain and all the rest will disappear because of fucking technology. i know i wrote a pro-blogging paper a while back and ya its got its place and purpose...whatever, i just like the time capsule idea. So, here is mary wollstonecraft:

To Gilbert Imlay [Gothenburg, July 3rd 1795]

"There was a gloominess diffused through your last letter, the impressions of which still rests on my mind - though, recollecting how quickly you throw off the forcible feelings of the moment, i flatter myself it has long since given place to your usual cheerfulness.
Believe me (and my eyes fill with tears of tenderness as I assure you) there is nothing I would not endure in the way of privation, rather than disturb your tranquility. - If I am fated to be unhappy, I will labour to hide my sorrows in my own bosom; and you shall always find me a faithful, affectionate friend.
I grow more and more attached to my little girl - and I cherish this affection without fear, because it must be a long time before it can become bitterness of soul. - She is an interesting creature. - On ship-board, how often as I gazed at the sea, have I longed to bury my troubled bosom in the less trouble deep; asserting with Brutus, 'that the virture I had followed too far, was merely an empty name!' and nothing but the sight of her - her playful smiles, which seemed to cling and twine round my heart - could have stopped me.
What peculiar misery has fallen to my share! To act up to my principles, I have laid the strictest restraint on my very thoughts - yes; not to sully the delicacy of my feelings, I have reined in my imagination; and started with affright from every sensation, (I allude to ----) that stealing with balmy sweetness into my soul, led me to scent from afar the fragrance of reviving nature.
My friend, I have dearly paid for one conviction. - Love, in some minds, is an affair of sentiment, arising from the same delicacy of perception (or taste) as renders them alive to the beauties of nature, poetry, &c, alive to the charms of those evanescent graces that are, as it were, impalpable - they must be felt, they cannot be described.
Love is a want of my heart. I have examined myself lately with more care than formerly, and find, that to deaden is not to calm the mind - Aiming at tranquillity, I have almost destroyed all the energy of my soul - almost rooted out what renders it estimable - Yes, I have dampened that enthusiasm of character, which converts the grossest materials into a fuel, that imperceptibly feeds hopes, which aspire above common enjoyment. Despair, since the birth of my child, has rendered me stupid - soul and body seemed to be fading away before the withering touch of disappointment.
I am now endeavouring to recover myself - and such is the elasticity of my constitution, and the purity of the atmostphere here, that health unsought for, begins to reanimate my countenance.
I have the sincerest esteem and affection for you - but the desire of regaining peace, (do you understand me?) has made me forget the respect due to my own emotions - sacred emotions, that are the sure harbingers of the delights I was formed to enjoy - and shall enjoy, for nothing can extinguish the heavenly spark
Still, when we meet again, I will not torment you, I promise you. I blush when i recollect mt former conduct - and will not in future confound myself with the beings whom I feel to be my inferiors. - I will listen to delicacy, or pride."



Sorry for the long passage. I dont know how to do that cut thing.
Its very late, I better get some rest.

"Panda Sneezes" on Google Video

I want to go to the art gallery to see the Fred Herzog photo exhibit. Those old Vancouver photos are so intriguing. I especially like how everyone was dressed in that era. Men in top hats, dapper looking all pulled together. I wonder if that was casual wear or what the white-collared workers wore as they strolled around on their lunch breaks?

His use of colour, or the way he produced the pictures during this time was somewhat unusual. I'd like to see this. I wonder what people 50+ years from now would think of photos of us on the streets of Vancouver. They have a lot more artifacts to draw impressions upon...but I wonder if we would be intriguing and memorbale? Would the men in the pictures be guys dressed in business suits without the hats?

I really want to go! I especially want to see what kind of women were walking those streets in his photos. As I realize, I dont recall seeing women in the sets i've seen so far. This is why I must go! Plus, I like to see what major streets like Granville, Powell and others looked like before the extreme commercialization of them.

http://www.vanartgallery.bc.ca/exhibitions_herzog.cfm

Edited to add:

Oh yeah, I thought it would also be interesting to see how someone whose main profession was medical photography (textbooks, etc) would capture life on the streets. Would we be able to detect any hint of this? How does he as a photographer capture these people, what does he see?